All of them are fucking superb, or at least I think so.-JH)
IT AIN’T A FOOTBALL MOVIE, IT’S A FOOTBALL SCENE…AND IT’S THE BEST ONE EVER
The movie is great for what it is and all, but it’s really just about the Football scene. I mean, if you like homo-erotic 80’s action movies set in prison then by all means, be my guest. Otherwise, you’ll just watch this 6 minutes and thank me later.
Here’s the basics. Sylvester Stallone plays a former Cop thrown in jail and now living at the mercy of the dudes he incarcerated and shit. Oh, the irony. His main tormentors are the evil Warden (played by Donald Sutherland in level-9 creepy mode) The sadistic head Guard (John Amos) and that giant Native American dude who played “Billy Bear” in “48 Hours” and the drunken fuckup of a brother in “Best of the Best 2” (If you don’t know, google) among other macho fucker roles in the late 80’s. Everything is going well enough for Leone until that bastard Chink Weber (dude, that’s his character’s name, for reals) pegs him in the back with the Football and gets all “Hey Leone, we’re a man short…WANNA PLAY?!?!?!?!?”
Well you know Leone ain’t no pussy, so he’s gonna play some football, even if the whole thing is a set-up to beat the piss out of him. Ah fuck, watch this shit. It’s 6 minutes. You’ll thank me.
Yeah, man. That’s it. Don’t let the fact that there appears to be something like 28 plays run and no first downs and only the one touchdown in the whole thing throw you off. Don’t let the lack of sense and football knowledge interrupt the mud and the hits and the pain and the big dude busting out the Ickey Shuffle at the end of it.
Turn your brain off for 6 minutes and let it put you in its bear hug of dudeness and just know that even if they don’t make movies like this, they do exist in the universe for us to call on in our times of need.