I had this really stupid idea to try rating the NBA point guards by classic 90's Hip Hop albums. Then i realized the idea wasn't so stupid after all.

Please, just don’t ask me where the fuck this idea came from because I really can’t tell you. Sometimes I just get these ideas and rather than spend too much time deciding if they are stupid, I just start writing and after a while, I’ll sit back and let the writing make the decision or me. This one, it just ended up working, at least for me. Think of it as the only way to make good use of all this dormant, rarely-called-upon knowledge I have stored regarding these two subjects. And I can be real for a minute-this one has been fun, both in conception and execution.

Anyway, this had to be broken down into several parts, so as to spare you a 12,000 word post. Here’s a little preview-slash-part one, since it might take me awhile to get all 30 staring point guards done.


Derek Fisher is Run DMC ‘s”Down With The King”

Both are All-time legends who redefined their respective genres. Both stayed on well past their primes. Kidd is still respected now, even if the game has passed him by about as much as it had passed RUN DMC by 1993. Still, both were good for a hit or two, even in the twilight of their careers.

What to bump from this album: “Down with the King”, the least great RUN DMC single.


Russell Westbrook is Old Dirty Bastard’s Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version

As comparisons go, this is hard to beat. I mean, ODB’s first solo album pretty much sums up Westbrook’s career arc to this point: Super talented, a little crazy, and almost totally unpredictable. ODB was capable of dropping gems, or dropping his ass in jail for whatever. Russ is equally capable of either a forty point game or a 3-21 from the field, 6 turnover effort, depending on the position of the moon and all that good shit.

I mean, is anybody gonna be surprised if he changes his name to Wesson Of Mass Destruction and quit Basketball to make Gospel records? I know I wouldn’t.

By that same token, would you be any more or less shocked to see him wins multiple NBA titles and make a whole mess of all star teams?

Like I said, perfect comparison.

What to bump from this album: “Shimmy Shimmy ya”. Nothing encapsulates the bizarre genius of ODB more thoroughly.

Deron Williams is Ice Cube’s “Death Certificate”…and the other six crappy albums that came after it, depending on how good his team is.

Seriously, I cracked myself up when I made this connection. You have to be well over thirty or a student of 90’s hip-hop to know just how fuckin’ good ice Cube was in those days. Dude had the story raps, man. The NWA stuff and his first two solo albums (and the “Kill at Will” EP) can stand toe-to-toe with any hop-hop records, ever. Then, “Boys In the Hood” came and as Cube’s career started to drift more toward making movies and getting lazy enough to start plagarizing other rappers (he stole Cypress Hill’s hook, King Suns’ song and Volume 10’s whole style, just to name a few) and suddenly he was more the “acting rapper” than the other way around. When motivated, Cube is still an absolute giant in the game, but he’s plenty content to coast on his considerable talents and make kids movies and shit.

Same for Deron Williams, really. Arguable the best point guard in the game when he’s on it. He led the Utah fucking Jazz to the Western Conference Finals not too long ago. He’s capable of getting 20 and 10 a game in his sleep. He’s also capable of running off Jerry Sloan, the longest tenured coach in the league. He’s proven he belongs in the Philip Rivers/ Kobe Bryant/ John Elway stratosphere “negative body language/ yell at your teammates” superstars.

And yes, he’s proven he can go to a shitty team and sleepwalk his way through almost two seasons and based on his talent and potential alone, teams would still be lining up around the block to pay him the league minimum. yeah, the Nets might be dangerous next year because they actually put some pieces around Williams, but that’s not gonna make me forget that he  shot barely 39% in 66 games with the Nets after shooting 47% in six seasons with Utah and got paid three million dollars to play like wet fart in Turkey during the NBA Lockout.

But hey, when he feels like it, he can drop them crazy story raps.


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