EVAN TURNER HAS BEEN OUTED AS MEATWAD

 

So I’m almost ashamed of myself on this one. I mean, I’m supposed to be the basketball dude. The guy you call when you have a hoops-related question. The dude who has seen somewhere in the neighborhood of 65,000 BBall games in his lifetime, give or take.

And yet, somehow, I had never heard Evan Turner’s voice.

Considering the fact that he played three years at Ohio St. and is now in his second season with the 76ers, I have no idea how this happened (or didn’t happen, as it were), but there I was Saturday night, half paying attention, when I heard this absurdly warbled voice coming from my TV. I had to look up from my computer and figure out who it wqas, and then I spent another few seconds contemplating whether he sounded like that because he had just eaten something and was suffering from that weird food voice you sometimes get. You know the one I’m talking about.

Well, I sat thru the entire interview and I can tell you, that was indeed his real voice. Truth is, when I first heard it, I didn’t expect to look up and see Evan Turner, or even Andre Iguodala or even Spencer Hawes, for that matter.

I expected to look up and see this.

 

What can I tell you. Turner sounds just like Meatwad from “Aqua Teen Hunger Force”.

Of course, I did some research and found out the following from the ever-sturdy Wikipedia:

“The 1989 Chicago measles epidemic caused Turner to desperately need emergency room services. He encountered severe breathing problems that required the removal of hisadenoids and tonsils. At the age of 3, he was hit by a car, resulting in a concussion and stitches. Oversized baby teeth and an overbite caused a speech impediment that necessitated speech therapy.”

So yeah, that sucks for sure. Still, what’s funny is funny, and it’s not like there is any sort of “plausible denial” scenario at work here. Voice-wise, the guy is a dead ringer.

Observe:

The voice of Evan Turner

 The voice of Meatwad.

Listen, I hardly give a shit if a dude makes a little side cash when as a student athlete. I mean, we all know the NCAA is a racket anyhow, and these kids who are making millions for these schools often dont have enough money to take a sorority girl to McDonald’s or whatever. If Turner got paid doing voice-overs for a cult TV hit, good on him, I say.

Just sayin’ he probably should have lost his amateur status, and Ohio State’s wins for three years he was there should be expunged from the record books.

What’s fair is fair, and all that noise.

-John Hathwell

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