You took the time to google it. I did my best to answer it.

 

Search engines are among the greatest things to ever happen to the human race.

I could waste time expanding on that statement, but why bother? Who could possibly argue otherwise? I you are old enough, you can remember back to the time when some arguments would take days or weeks to get solved. Shit, alot of them never did.

Not now, though. Now, it takes about 30 seconds, give or take how fast you type. Technology is neato.

So anyway, every day some people find this site via a google search, and thankfully my website gives me a list of the search terms that got them here. Some make sense, some are rather bizarre and some are, too put it kindly, slighlty fucked. Amazingly enough, some of the best ones were phrased as questions, like “Why was Ken Stabler called the snake” or “what is a Utah Jazz?”.

Both fair questions.

Oh, but it gets better. Way better. So, in the interest of solving the problems that Google couldn’t, and just because I’m a sucker for wackiness or whatever, I’m gonna take a stab at solving some of these search engine riddles. With any luck, those that asked these questions might happen back here one day and get what they were looking for.

Alright, time to get my philanthropy on…

Search #1: is a double dribble good or bad?                             

Uh, can’t it be both?

The act of double-dribbling is bad. Doing so results in a turnover. The two most common ways to double-dribble are by discontinuing your natural bounce, like Allen Iverson always did on his patented crossover, or by literally trying to dribble with both hands, like your average two year old might.

Now, if you are referring to the 80’s basketball game “Double-Dribble”, well, that’s bad too, but in a different way.

You know, like baaaaaad. Same as this, or this.

It was after all the first truly great basketball game, as I explained not too long ago, and set the stage for all the great ones that came after it.

Make sense?

 Search #2: How important is the human thumb?                                                          

C’mon dude, where to start? We’re talking about the human thumb, a guy with 5 NBA championships to his credit, a man who hit big shot after big shot, provided steady leadership and always gave it his best effort.

What’s more, he’s the president of the NBA player union, and a real stand-up dude who has not backed down from the scurrilous allegations lobbed at him by union head Billy Hunter.

Let’s face it: A better question would have been, “who is more important than the human thumb?”.

Wait. You were referring to Derek fisher, right?

Search #3: Is Michael Olowokandi gay?

                                                                              
Don’t look at me. Someone actually typed this into Google, I swear.
Now, I can’t speak to his actual sexual orientation, but I can tell you what I do know.
-Michael Olowokandi was the worst #1 overall draft pick in NBA history. Sure, Kwame Brown, Greg Oden and Pervis Ellison were all pretty bad, but none of them could match the apathy, the laziness, or the constant disappointment that Olowokandi embodied in his 9 years in the league. Quit simply, the guy didn’t want to be there. If there was ever a poster boy for the “big guys play because they are big, not because they love the game” axiom, it’s this dude.
-Although his sexuality has never been openly questioned, he was called an awful, dirty word by Suns coach Alvin Gentry in an SI article about Amar’e Stoudemire years ago. The coaches were engaged in a conversation about Stoudemire’s great dunks when someone brought this one up.
Gentry’s reply, “that doesn’t count, Olowokandi is a pussy”.
And you know what the best part of that story is? Gentry was Olowokandi’s coach when that dunk happened, so he’s speaking from firsthand experience.
-The Kandi man played for the Clippers at a time when they employed Kareem Abdul-jabbar as an assistant coach and Bill Walton as an announcer, yet he showed virtually no interest in reaching out to either for tutelage or advice. Just go to work and cash the checks, I guess.
Some years on, I had the good fortune to be watching a game on ESPN when ‘Kandi was playing for the T’Wolves and Walton was on commentary. At one point, the camera turned to the big man sitting on the bench, and Walton cracked “There sits Michael Olowokandi, a man who can hardly hide his disdain for the game of basketball”.
If you’re still waiting for me to answer the actual question, well just keep on waiting.

Search#4: Is Jason Williams good or just flashy?

Ahh, a question that speaks to me. All year, I’ve been using that very name to describe what i see in Ricky Rubio.

The answer: Both, really. Think of him as the original Ricky Rubio, or think of Rubio as the new Jason Williams. Whatever you do though, don’t think of either as Pistol Pete, as I explained here.

Either way, it’s funny to see that googled now since Williams retired a few years ago, but like I’ve said many times, I’d be willing to bet a large chunk of money that Rubio’s career ends up similar to his by the time it’s all said and done.

Search #5 Why don’t the Hawks have any heart?                                                                               

Again, I swear I didn’t make this up. As great a question as it is, who can really give a definitive answer? Why have they underachieved every year and become the poster children for phoning in the playoffs? Who can say for sure? How did they manage to steal a game from Boston before turtling up for the rest of the series, including the thirty point asswhippin’ they are taking as I’m writing this? Hard to diagnose, it really.

Joe Johnson: Blocking out the hate with smiles (and an axe)

Truth is, they changed Coaches, turned over alot of the roster and brought in an army of geriatric players to fill out their bench (hawks are officially the oldest team in the NBA)and proved leadership, and they are still rolling over like absolute dogs.

Sure, there are worse fates to suffer than perennial playoff doormats, but if you were a fan of a team that got absolutely sodomized in the postseason on an annual basis, wouldn’t you be calling for an overhaul? How many times can you watch it before you’d be prefectly content to watch the team start from scratch?

Of course, the common elements here would be Josh Smith and Joe Johnson, and we all know the majority of the blame or the credit will always land on the shoulders of the best players. As good as Smith was this year, the end result here is the same, and with only one year left on his deal, they are going to have to figure out what to do with him. As for  Johnson, his contract is all but un-dumpable, so him they are stuck with, to the tune of 4 years and almost 90 million dollars.

And if you think it’s bad now, wait til 2014, when the new luxury tax kicks in. God help them if they are still paying Johnson, Smith and Al Horford by then.

Well, hope that clears it up…

 

-John Hathwell

 

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