A Few Playoff Requests

Dear Basketball Gods,

Hello.  My name is Wes and, as you know, I am a loyal fan of all things basketball.  This includes the National Basketball Association, despite the fact that I was figuratively – yet royally – fucked over just a few years ago.  Yes, you took my team, relocated them to the middle of nowhere, and ensured that we’ll all get to hear about said team by equipping them with the type of roster that everyone hopes for.  Thanks again, by the way.

So, in my mind, you owe me.  Want to get started on that?  Make these upcoming playoffs enjoyable for me.  Here is my list (in no particular order):

– Give Phoenix the 8th-seed in the Western Conference

No Utah.  Utah is still Utah.  I know Sloan is gone, and I know it hasn’t been the Jazz that I hated for quite some time now.  Regardless, I still can’t stand the sight of anything that has to do with that organization.  I hate the lighting of the Delta Center and the way it looks on television.  I hate the uniforms and the color scheme.  Their fans, while intensely passionate about their team, are utter cretins.  The only good thing they have doesn’t even make any sense:

Jazz-bear, also unsure of why he is the mascot for the fucking JAZZ

On top of all this, there’s the potential for a round-one clash between the Jazz and San Antonio.  The Spurs.  The NBA’s Ambien equivalent, in that the potency and effectiveness is usually there, but there’s a good chance that deep sleep will result.  Adding Utah to the equation would be similar to adding some sort of respiratory suppressant to the cocktail, meaning that it might put you out for good.  To me, “Utah vs. San Antonio” hits me like the following weather forecast:

“High of 73 degrees.  Cloudy.  100% Humidity.”

It’s too warm to wear any cool jackets or any shit like that.  No sign of the sun, but you’ll still sweat like Robert Traylor on a roller coaster (make no mistake – R.I.P. to “the Tractor”).

Phoenix, on the other hand, has Steve Nash and a history with the Spurs.  Give them one last shot.

– Speaking of the Spurs…

… keep San Antonio out of the Finals.  San Antonio versus Miami or Boston?  Shoot me in the fucking face.  If you have to do it, put them against Chicago so I have somebody to definitively root for.

– Speaking of the Bulls…

… they are the only team that I can have advancing to the Finals out of the Eastern Conference.  I will desperately need somebody to root for in the event that the Thunder do, in fact, get all the way to the big series.  Don’t make me root for the Heat, Celtics, Knicks, Hawks, etc… because I will do that.

– Offer alternative programming during Orlando’s first-round series

I don’t care what it is.  Put anything on NBA TV.  “The Best of Vincent Askew.” “Fireside Chat w/ Ron Harper.”  Whatever it takes.

– Find a way to make Heat/Knicks and Clippers/Lakers happen

Both match ups will present electric atmosphere(s).  The former looks good to go, while the latter will take a little more work.  In any event, these are marquee-type events that have the potential to provide us with many a moment…

… and lastly:

– OKC = swept in the first round

Because you’ll owe me that and much more until Seattle has a team again.  And, even then, I’ll still be bitter.

– Wes Lilliman


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