CAN I GET THEM DIGITS? FORWARD (K)NIGHTS

The SOSB staff meetings often consist of spirited debates, where we argue “player x” vs. “player y.” It’s usually a back-and-forth that touches on statistics, intangibles, and other typical points. Recently, the NBA’s current power forwards have been on our mind. While we essentially agree that Dirk is the top guy, the pecking order following Nowitzki is quite cloudy and the subject of spirited, verbal sparring contests. There are character attacks, insinuations, and name-calling. However, while we can usually come to some sort of agreement (or an agreement to disagree), perhaps the most pressing issue has yet to be discussed…

… what’s a night with ______ like?
In the interest of sensibility, I’ve kept things pretty PG. There’s likely much to be discussed in the way of Zach Randolph’s approach to foreplay, or Boris Diaw’s liberal bedroom stylings, but I’ll save the smut for next week or something. Here are 3 names for your consideration:

KEVIN LOVE

Attire: Sky blue, Ralph Lauren polo shirt (loose-fit), Dockers Alpha Khakis, at least 3 rubber bracelets

Scent: Nautica Blue

Car: 2011 Toyota Tundra (silver, w/ lift kit)

Restaurant: Arby’s or McDonald’s

Potential Celebrity Date(s): Ashlee Simpson, Michelle Rodriguez, Shannon Doherty

Date Synopsis: Likely to pick the female up at her home, but highly unlikely to open the car door for her; greeting to consist of “Sup,” and/or “Yeah, that looks alright, I guess…”; car music limited to Eminem, LMFAO, Sugar Ray, Dave Matthews, and Nickelback; only dining choices considered are those of the fast-food variety as, although it may be no good for you, you can get a lot for a little; conversation mainly based off of phrases like, “Did you see I had 25 and 15 last night?” or “I definitely think a woman should do all the cleaning and all that shit…”; will certainly take the woman back to his place, despite her insistence otherwise, where they’ll sit on the couch (in silence) and watch Sportscenter until about 11:30 PM, at which point a cab is promptly called or the female just decides to chance it and walk home; intimacy will only have occurred if the female is attempting to benefit from her male counterpart’s income

CHRIS “BIRDMAN” ANDERSEN

Attire: Affliction or Marc Ecko graphic tee (the more glossy, cursive writing and illustrations of skulls or wolves or something, the better), super-baggy/distressed jeans, some kick-ass boots

Scent: Some weird combination of residual marijuana and St. Ives lotion

Car: 1986 Ford Mustang GT (dark blue w/ black, manual transmission)

Restaurant: Sullivan’s Steakhouse (Denver location)

Potential Celebrity Date(s): Pink, Bijou Phillips, Juliette Lewis, Ke$ha

Date Synopsis: Picks the lady up, arriving about 45 minutes late; “Damn, you fuckin’ look GOOD, baby.”; Motley Crue’s “Shout At The Devil” on the way there, and Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” on the way home; steaks are consumed, but really, this is about drinking and drinking hard; safety first, so everyone stays and karaoke’s the best of Deep Purple, Styx, Foghat, Kansas, early-Sabbath, non-Sabbath-related Dio, and Heart until it’s safe to drive (around 3:00 AM); physicality absolutely occurs at the residence of the female, although it’s suspect to say that either party will remember any of it upon waking the next morning/afternoon

AMAR’E STOUDEMIRE
Attire: Sean John sweater over a collared Sean John button-up, light-blue denim, a diamond watch that looks like a piece of military technology, shades (at all times)

Scent: Cool Water

Car: Navigator on 28s

Restaurant: Landmarc at the Time Warner Center (NYC)

Potential Celebrity Date: Rihanna

Date Synopsis: The lady is picked up and driven to the restaurant to the sounds of Drake, Wayne, Jeezy, and Kanye… all of which are played at ear-shattering volumes to ensure that no actual words are exchanged until they arrive at the restaurant; things like the Roasted Suckling Pig and Orecchlette Alla Norcina (“I’ll have the Orr-ek-leetee… Al… uh, whatever that is… ha, ha [pointing at the menu]”) are ordered, but it’s mainly the bread and $700 worth of wine that is consumed; a limo is taken to the club, at which point, physicality of all sorts occurs; physicality continues to occur, although multiple individuals are involved and the date ends long before the evening does; someone might get punched; someone definitely goes home crying

** BONUS – CENTER/POWER FORWARD **

NENE

Attire: Short-sleeved silk shirt with a bunch of kaleidoscope-like patterns, white linen pants, earthy sandals

Scent: Unknown (hints of mesquite and patchouli oil are present)

Car: See “Date Synopsis”

Restaurant: His house

Potential Celebrity Date(s): Eva Mendes, Susan Sarandon, Madonna

Date Synopsis: A limousine escorts the female from her home to Nene’s residence; “Welcome. Please, make yourself comfortable.”; a veritable what’s what of Brazilian cuisine is served; live music is provided in the form of a fusion, samba-reggae quartet; Nene repeatedly states: “You are beautiful, and my intentions this evening are nothing short of carnal”; the female is oddly intrigued by the mixture of mysterious culture and the host’s straightforward approach, but she gets weirded out by the various rooms with large padlocks on them and a few too many articles related to human-trafficking on the refrigerator; ultimately, the woman utilizes a bathroom window to flee the premises, while Nene dances gleefully to the rhythmic offerings of the band for several hours, seemingly unconcerned with the departure of his date

** BONUS – SMALL FORWARD **

LEBRON JAMES
Attire: Liverpool jersey; black denim; headband

Scent: Rocawear 99

Car: “Dwayne’s picking us up”

Restaurant: “I dunno – whatchu thinkin,’ D-Wade?”

Potential Celebrity Date(s): His fiancé, Dwayne Wade

Date Synopsis: Every scenario, situation, and decision is contingent upon “whatever D-Wade wants to do/eat/listen to…”. It’s all horribly awkward.

I’ll be back soon with the story of Tyler Hansbrough and his Red Bull injections, and my “Guide to Surviving a Night on the Town with Michael Beasley.”

– Wes Lilliman
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