(With the first round of BCS rankings released just hours ago, I took the opportunity to get in touch with a former associate of mine, ex-member of the BCS AD Advisory Group, Hamilton Elemintz. Mr. Elemintz served under current UNLV AD, Jim Livengood, who currently represents the Mountain West Conference as their BCS voice. Elemintz was present at numerous BCS meetings and seminars, and holds a valuable insight pertaining to the ways in which the group functions and makes decisions. He is also the creator of the “Periodic Table of Elemintz,” a comprehensive ranking system that examines characteristics of each university that are “beyond the realm of statistics.” Elemintz was dismissed from his position with UNLV in 2006, following an investigation that tied him to an on-campus, human-trafficking ring…)

(Above: Hamilton Elemintz)

Wes: Hamilton, the rankings were unveiled this evening. Your thoughts…

Hamilton Elemintz: I can tell you that the powers-that-be are wet between the knees when it comes to the top slots. The three big guns are breakfast, lunch, and dinner to the committee, and they all taste just right. After that, it gets a little sloppy.

Wes: Go ahead and break down the top 3 teams, using the “Periodic Table of Elemintz”…

Elemintz: For certain. LSU Tigers. Number one. Rank about a 114 on the PTE (note – the Periodic Table of Elemintz has a maximum ranking of 120, as 100 “simply ain’t enough juice.”). Big things going include SEC status, coach Les (Miles), Southern football justice, and the nasty defense. That whole thing with Jefferson and company kickin’ boys in the head before the season started is water under the bridge now. Like it never happened.

Alabama at number two. So delicious. 117 on the PTE. Alabama football, baby – Roll Tide. T-Rich. Defense. SABAN, SABAN, SABAN. Got that red and white goin’… just throw a little blue in there and folks might be movin’ to call it “the University of the United States of Football,” baby.

Oklahoma at number three. A staple. PTE of about 115. Texas is a little higher than them, but the BCS boys gotta go with the Sooners this year ’cause the Longhorns ain’t got the nuts. O.U. does it how they like it, though. Big ol’ fat football with boosters that’ll murder you and your damn dog if it means a National Championship. Good eats and good women, too.

Wes: You’ve maintained that things like eats and broads are the types of things that the BCS uses to determine what they like, and that the computer rankings are just an elaborate smokescreen, carefully constructed to provide a supposed backing for BCS decisions.

Elemintz: You’re god damned right. Can you print the swears on this here site?

Wes: We can and we will.

Elemintz: Well then, shit yeah. It’s a masquerade. The boys behind the BCS are a bunch of old-fashioned, old-ass, button-to-the-top, separate fountains, Roman Catholic, get the power and keep it, grey-haired motherfuckers…

Wes: Wow.

Elemintz: … who will do any damned thing to protect their positions and keep the money flowin’ in so they can buy the next 55-karat rock for their fake wives while they secretly blast each other on floor 14 of the Marriot. There ain’t no computers. These guys have all the knuckle-draggers out there thinkin’ that there’s some Doc Brown-type with a room full of Deloreans and Flux Capacitors, with his scientific formulas and his potions and jewels. There ain’t nothin’. They make the decisions that bring them the money, and that’s what it is. CHURCH.

Wes: But what about a team like Boise State? They don’t deny them access to BCS bowls, and that university doesn’t exactly have a rich lineage of NCAA contributions…

Elemintz: Two things. First, that school has a little more goin’ on than you know – I’ll leave it at that. PTE of 104 for a number of reasons. Secondly, and most importantly, Boise State’s a perfect example of how the fan gets got, ya know? The people see the “little guy” in there and they think that anybody can do it. It’s clever shit. Them fat cats know what they’re doin’ indeed. Want the gospel, though? BCS hates any school with a “State” in the name. It’s like light beer to them. When people want to get proper stupid, they drink the hard shit, so the BCS boys gets their balls all twisted up when a “State” does well. Right now, Kansas State is like a coat-hanger up the south-side, if you know what I mean…

Wes: I mean, I think I do. What about Penn State or Florida State, though?

Elemintz: Always exceptions there, Holyfield. Schools like that can get around it ’cause they got the right coin, the right shine, and the right snatch.

Wes: Right. Hamilton, I know you’re a busy man, so leave me with a few final thoughts.

Elemintz: Watch out for Wisconsin. If they do their business, watch ’em jump. Wisconsin’s, like, a 109 on the PTE. Wisconsin’s like Oklahoma without the titty job and a little too much love around them ankles. Same goes for Stanford. BCS loves them a school with a little touch of them academics. Andrew Luck, sir. These BCS big dogs would love to lay down with a fella like him. He’s like Tebow, but he don’t talk like he’s from Jupiter.

– Wes Lilliman


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