ATTACK OF THE KILLER NFL GAME BLURBS FOR WEEK 2: FEAR THE BUFFALO (BILLS)!











Two weeks down, and now the hints we got last Sunday have turned into full-blown facts:

*The Bills are an actual good football team. 
*Todd Haley might not last the season.
*The Lions have finally cleaned up the mess Matt Millen made.

Sure, it’s hardly set in stone or anything, but there’s definitely reason to believe in all three of these statements. Of course, technically speaking the Chiefs can still go 14-2 and make dicks out of all of us, so I’m not going to consider it a done deal just yet.

LIONS 48, CHIEFS 3

Yikes. 

Yeah, Jamaal Charles’ knee exploded and the Chiefs looked like they played the rest of the game in shock, but Kansas City got knocked the fuck out.

Not sure what the all-time record for “fastest an NFL team ever gave up on it’s season”, but the Chefs might have just broken it.

The Lions? Well, they’re hitting on all cylinders, and head to Minny next week with a very good shot at 3-0. The Chiefs might need luck to win 3 games all season.

TITANS 26, RAVENS 13

Every year we get about a dozen of those “what the fuck happened here?” games, and this is officially the first of 2011.

Weeks from now, someone will ask you how the fuck Tennessee beat Baltimore even though Chris Johnson was essentially worthless and you’ll tell them all about how Matt Hasselbeck hasn’t played a game like this since he had a full head of hair and Joe Flacco looked an awful lot like Kyle Boller and that someone will nod softly and you guys will move on and talk about how good the Packers are or whatever.

BUCS 23, VIKINGS 20

Fun Fact: Donovan McNabb threw for 584% more yards than he did in week 1. Of course, the Vikes are still 0-2, thanks to LeGarrette Blount and Josh Freeman’s immense combackiness.

Yep, it’s gonna be a long year in Minnesota.

BROWNS 27, COLTS 19

And Colt McCoy emerges as the first winner of the SOSB QB SHOWDOWN!

Sure, 211 yards and one touchdown isn’t exactly eye-popping, but it’s more than enough to beat Kerry Collins. 

Yep, it’s gonna be a long year in Indianapolis.

STEELERS 24, SEAHAWKS 0

So I’m sitting here trying to think of an equally inept offense in another pro sport this year, and there’s really only one that works.

The Seattle Mariners.

I know Pete Carroll is preaching patience, but holy shit you have to be going out of your way to put together a troupe of skill players this uninspiring. Nice move spending all that money on a deep threat like Sidney Rice when your QB would need on of these fucking things to hit him.
And as a sequel to last week, I once again texted Wes, only this time I had a question:

Q: What do you call the residents of Seattle? Seattleites? Seattleans?

A: Depressed.

I, as much as anyone, can always dig a little gallows humor.

And yep, it’s gonna be a long year in Seattle.

JETS 32, JAGUARS 3

Ok, so maybe I jumped the gun on the Jags winning the AFC South. This week was a good reminder that their Quarterbacks are Luke McCown and a rookie named Blaine. My bad.

Oh, and as good as the Jets are, it’s still tough to be sold on Mark Sanchez. It just is.

FALCONS 35, EAGLES 31

It’s only my personal opinion, but the injury rate and the seemingly artbitrary outcomes that are produced by such a short schedule are the two things that always bother me the most about football, and likely always will. 

This game was a prime example, as it’s hard to imagine Atlanta winning if not for the fluke whiplashy injury that befell Michael Vick late in the game.

And as luck would have it, the Falcons eked out a late win and everyone promptly hopped back on the Nautral Ice bandwagon.

Sorry, but the Falcons didn’t win that game as much as they were awarded it by luck or whatever.

BRONCOS 24, BENGALS 22

Only two things to say here.

A) Andy Dalton may be the best redheaded QB since Jeff Garcia.
B) Eric Decker is the only, and I do mean only reason to watch Denver until they give us Tebow.

COWBOYS 27, 49ERS 24

So Dallas needed three touchdowns from Miles Austin, a miraculous play from the kid who won Michael Irvn’s reality show and Tony Romo’s gutsy return from a broken rib just to pull out an overtime win against the 49ers?

Not looking too good for the Jason Garrett era.

TEXANS 23, DOLPHINS 13

Oh, don’t worry, Houston is still gonna blow it sooner than later. Trust me.

It’s the Texans, and it’s what they do. Talk to me this time next week so I can say I told you so.

SAINTS 30, BEARS 13

Some old lessons reinforced here. For starters, Drew Brees will bounce back. You can bank on it. Also, Jay Cutler will get back to sucking if you give him half the chance.

Like I said last week, the Bears are likely to look like a different team every single week this year, until we all just stop giving a shit.

PATRIOTS 35, CHARGERS 21

I love hearing all these pundits talking about how the Chargers could have won if they didn’t shoot themselves in the foot.

I mean, I’d let my hypothetical crackhead sister housesit if I didn’t think she was gonna rob me.

No worries anyhow, far better teams than the Bolts have lost to Tom Brady and his twin Tight Ends of doom.

PACKERS 30, PANTHERS 23

Somebody, anybody, needs to keep Cam Newton mania in it’s proper perspective. Allow me.

Blew a lead in week 1.

3 interceptions in week 2.

0 wins, 2 losses.

Yeah, he’s thrown for a whole lot of yards, but let’s put the anointing oils away until he at least wins a game or something.

REDSKINS 22, CARDINALS 21

The Sexy Rexy era is off to a resounding start, despite all logic. Maybe these Shanahan’s still know their football after all?

Still sticking with the Cards to win the NFC West, in case you were wondering.

GIANTS 28, CARDINALS 16

Somebody had to win, but it’s not as if either of these teams is going anywhere this year. Let’s hope Monday Night Football sucks less next week.

BILLS 38, RAIDERS 35

If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this was an epic battle between two future playoff teams. The game definitely has a “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” feel to it. You know, two men enter, one man leaves and all that good shit. 



I mean, this was a great fucking game. Really felt like one of those “last team with the ball is gonna win” type deals. Oh, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is a real NFL QB now. There can no longer be any doubt.

Hop on the Bills bandwagon now, while there’s still room.





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