RUN FOR THE HILLS, IT'S SOSB'S ATTACK OF THE KILLER NFL GAME BLURBS!!!: WEEK 1

The lesson here is that you can only be wrong after one week, never right.
For instance, if you picked the Titans to win the AFC South or the Rams to be the class of the NFC West, you are already wrong, periodConversely, even if you’ve been telling everyone who would listen that Arizona was good or that Cam Newton is gonna be everything Jamarcus Russell never could, you still have 16 more weeks to be proven a total dunce.
Point being, week one only exists to set our expectations and/or realities straight, so that we might look just a little less foolish from here on out.
With the out of the way, here’s what happened:
PACKERS 42, SAINTS 34 Brees looked great, Rodgers looked better, Mark Ingram looked rather easy to tackle when it mattered most, and some rookie became the coolest guy named Randall Cobb since this one:



JETS 27, COWBOYS 24 The Ryan Bowl gave us a question and an answer, in orderly fashion: What do you get when you match a a coach who finds ways to win (Rex Ryan) with a QB (Tony Romo) who finds ways to lose?

This is what you get. Exactly this.


BILLS 41, CHIEFS 7 So everyone hated the Chiefs chances this year before they got bent over Ryan Fitzpatrick’s knee, so this is only gonna make it worse. I seem to be one of the only people who doesn’t hate Todd Haley, but I feel for his long-term job security after this mess.

Of course, I have been saying that the Bills were one of my sleepers, but I’m only talking the 7-9 “these guys aren’t terrible” variety sleeper, not the “12-4 play-off bound totally not as good as there record” sleeper, like, um, KC was last year.

EAGLES 31, RAMS 13 Otherwise known as the AYCGCFY (All you contrarian geniuses can fuck yourselves) Bowl, in which a team that is obviously going to be awesome beat the pants off a team that is going to spend the whole season well below .500 thanks to a cruel and unjust early schedule.

And that was before they suffered nine separate misfortunes, like that old Simpsons Softball episode.

LIONS 27, BUCS 20 Well, the Lions do seem to have learned just a little about finishing games after last years’ disaster, but still had to sweat to hold off Tampa here. Sadly, Matthew Stafford was born to limp, so I can’t fathom why people are so enthusiastic about the Lions’ chances this year.


BEARS 30, FALCONS 12 The Bears are like football’s version of a David Mamet movie, and honestly I’m tired of trying to figure them out. At this point, I’m gonna assume they’ll win 9 games and fall just short of the playoffs, but fuck if I’m putting any money on it or whatever. 

Either way, they melted the fuck out of Matty Ice, so hooray for good starts!

Matty Ice. What a cringy nickname that is. Make it stop.

BENGALS 27, BROWNS 17 Life as a Browns fan is just horribly undignified. Can’t beat the consensus worst team in the league.  After knocking out their rookie QB. At home.

Not to kick ’em while their down, but Peyton Hillis may have turned into Rashaan Salaam overnight, based on sundays “performance”.

JAGUARS 16, TITANS 14 The AFC South is the new outhouse, and all it’s gonna take to win it is a team that can play a little defense, run the ball efficiently and avoid chopping their own feet off with a motherfucking axe.

So yeah, I’m picking the Jags to win this crappy division. The man who bets on the Texans to do anything but fail is an irredeemably foolish man. Trust me.

RAVENS 35, STEELERS 7 Dang. Didn’t see this one coming, even if I like the Ravens’ chances this year and think the Steelers D might have peakedLook, Pittsburgh ain’t gonna turn the ball over 7 times every week, but they’ll need someone other than Mike Wallace to be a threat unless they expect the D to pitch shut-outs every other week.

And not for nothing, but Mike Tomlin is my favorite pissed-off NFL coach by a wide ass margin. It’s that disappointed look he gets.  Reminds of me of Bill Duke in “Menace 2 Society”.



You know you done fucked up, right?

TEXANS 34, COLTS 7 What can be said here other than:

A) anyone who gets their hopes up after the Texans performance here is living in fairytale land.

B) I cannot, do not, will not, or will EVER feel sorry for the Colts or Payton Manning. 


EVER.

REDSKINS 28, GIANTS 14 Mike Shanahan vs the doubters week one score: 305-39.

Hey, nobody is ready to call Rex Grossman the lost Manning brother or anyhting, but it’s hard to argue with Shanny’s decision to dump McNabb after what we saw this weekend.  Not sure what second place in the NFC East gets you, but the Redskins might finish there.

CHARGERS 24, VIKINGS 17 Oh god how I laughed like a bastard when I watched Percy Harvin return the opening kick for a touchdown. I mean, how can you not? I was half expecting Norv Turner to gently remove his headset and go the fuck home. Sadly I didn’t get my wish, and the Ch
argers still had 60 minutes to prove they were better than Minnesota, which wasn’t gonna be hard to do.

CARDINALS 28, PANTHERS 21 I picked the Cardinals to win the NFC West, I swear. I can’t prove it or anything, but you can take my word for it, I assure you. Kevin Kolb made a few thousand fans with his performance, and Cam Newton made a few million with his. Last time the loser stole the show in this manner was Hulk Hogan vs Ultimate Warrior at WrestleMania VI!



PATRIOTS 38, DOLPHINS 24 Here’s the ultimate testament to Tom Brady’s greatness: Most Miami fans are likely stoked about the performance of their team, despite getting beat by two touchdowns, and Chad Henne is back in style like Bell-bottoms and shit.

I mean, FIVE HUNDRED-SEVENTEEN YARDS???

 Don’t hurt ’em, Hammer.

49ERS 33, SEAHAWKS 17 My SOSB partner-in-crime Wes Lilliman is a lifelong Seahawk fan. Around 4 PM pacific time on Sunday I sent him the following text:

“Ted Ginn, all in your butt”. He didn’t even get mad. What can I say, he’s a good dude like that.


RAIDERS 23, BRONCOS 20 As a former Cowboy fan-turned-Raider sympathizer, this result made me mildly giddy.

However, as a reasonably intelligent and logical human being, I still have the Raiders going 6-10 this year. Hey, I’ve been hurt to many times and stuff.

Still, that’s a pretty good defense, and a pretty average division, and Darren McFadden is the real deal and oh my god did you see Janikow…

Shit, I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

John Hathwell can be reached at sonsofsambowie@yahoo.com


———————

Hey, have you ever seen “Ram it”,  the greatest of all the mid 80’s Football team rap songs, featuring Eric Dickerson’s Jheri-curl and a devastatingly unsubtle (and I’m guessing unintended) double entendre?


You really should.

                                          


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