Chris Hathwell reporting from East Rutherford, New Jersey for Deron Williams’ introductory press conference
It’s been a dizzying week in the NBA. Mere hours after the Carmelo Anthony ordeal ended with Isiah Thomas instructing James Dolan to take it in the poop chute from the Nuggets by offering such pearls of wisdom as “take it from me, divas like this don’t come around very often.” and “who needs a bunch of “glue guys, you win by scoring points!!!”. Dolan, when asked about the main motivation for sacrificing so much of the teams’ young nucleus for another defense-intolerent scorer,replied “Carmela is one bad bitch” and later added “I cant wait until he brings his hot tranny wife to one of Zeke’s late night parties.”
Not to be outdone by little miss Mela, Utah’s star point guard and franchise centerpiece Deron Williams, fresh off his biggest career accomplishment to date (sadly, it involved running off of the longest tenured coach in american pro sports), is now headed to the New Jersey Nets in a move nobody but the Jazz front office saw coming.
Appearing at his introductory news conference on Wednesday afternoon, the first question Williams was asked was if he ws ready to move on from Utah, to which he replied “well, i really feel that i accomplished every thing i could in Utah. I mean, who ever thought that i could force the most respected figure in Utah history to simply give up basketball and go home? .Not even everybody’s hero John Stockton could pull that off that. Nobody did. Not that hall of fame hick Karl Malone, not that marshmallow bodied Jesus freak Mark Jackson, nobody.”
When Mark Stein of the Worldwide leader asked “did you ever think you could actually do it?” DWill responded “well, i never gave up. Persistence is key. It all starts at practice. You know, just a little “i ain’t runnin this shit” here and a “is that the best play you got for this situation,skeletors dad?” there, you know things of that nature. I ain’t gonna l
ie, coach Sloan, oh excuse me, ex-coach Sloan is a tough son of a bitch. Take it from me, this didnt happen over night, but through my pure determination and competitive spirit, I ignored that boxer-nosed blowhard right out of here. I mean, they don’t call me DWill for nuthin-that’s who i am, that’s what i do. I out-will you. I have tremondous will-power. I am iron-willed, if you will.”
When asked by Tim Kawakami of the San Jose Mercury News asked “are you excited for the new challenges that lie ahead of you here in Jersey”, Williams excitedly responded “Oh yes, only I’ve got my sights set a little higher this time. I not only plan on getting Avery Johnson fired, but Billy Knight and the whole front office staff as well. See, my heart is set on pushing my game to the next level and seeing if i can ruin a whole franchise by myself, and as you can see, im already off to a good start considering Jersey had to give up waaaay too much to get me in the first place.”
Hard to argue with that, for sure. But what’s the plan?
Here’s the thing dude,” said Williams. “I aint got a whole lot of time to get this thing done. I mean, there is only like what, 35 games left in this season, and you know with the CBA expiring this summer who knows if there will even be a season next year, so i gotta get to work. After all, God knows there ain’t no way in hell I’m signing an extension to play for these losers, Brooklyn or no Brooklyn.”
At that moment, Stephen A. Smith chimed in with “yo I’m feeling you dawg but you got a tough road ahead of you. Avery Johnson is no push over and the russian homey gots lots of cheddar.” to which Williams chirped” oh no doubt. Look, nobody said it was gonna be easy, but i believe in myself and to be honest, I aint scared of that country ass, squeaky voiced midget, and what has all that money done for Paul Allen and the blazers? Dude has all the cash in the world and nothing to show for it but a team full of cripples. But seriously though, you know what the key is? Bad management. The Jazz front office was filled with smart dudes who made good basketball decisons. Billy Knight and a bunch of russian dudes are running this team. Im telling you buddy, im gonna really fuck this place up.”
Sitting next to Williams on the podium was his new coach Avery Johnson, looking attentive, eyes full of wonder. “I look foward to the challenge” the former coach of the year said. ” Hey man, let’s not forget I’m battle tested. I spent my playing days filling the alpha-male role on championship teams, taking control of far more talented teammates in the process. Man, while those 2 seven foot dorks were out arguing over garden gnomes, I was in the gym whipping the rest of them sissies into playoff shape.”
When J.A. Adande asked if Johnson had ever coached under such difficult circumstances before, he replied ” please, you try coaxing an MVP season out of Das Lion Queen or better yet, try keeping your players focused during an NBA Finals finals game while that pudgy HDnet goober is yelling at the fucking refs every five fucking seconds!!!”
Well , we have learned one thing from this crazy week in the NBA: whether it takes a year or a week, if a diva wants out, hes gonna get out. Hopefully Dwight Howard and Chris Paul are paying attention.
Chris Hathwell’s prized possession is an autographed Bill Laimbeer jersey. Seriously. You can give him shit about it at firstname.lastname@example.org