SOSB'S 2011 NBA MID-SEASON NBA AWARDS OF OUR OWN WACKY CREATION

This is part two of our halftime show. part 1 can be found here.


Alright, let’s kick off part two with the greatest picture i’ve stumbled upon all year. It features  A midget Corey Brewer attempt to steal the ball from some pale kid who looks alot like that guy who used to coach the Clippers.





I’m here all week, yo.


Alright, let’s do this…


THE YAROSLAV KAROLEV MEMORIAL “THIS GUY WILL BE PLAYING IN EUROPE THE MINUTE HIS ROOKIE CONTRACT EXPIRES” TROPHY GOES TO…


(JH) Hasheem Thabeet, easy. I spent some time remembering  all-time shitty big menwho were drafted way too high a few months ago, but I swear none of them were as useless as Thabeet has proven to be in his first two seasons in Memphis. I mean, the Grizz play Hamed Haddadi (the big oaf best known as the guy who Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith called “Borat” last year. They were suspended for this) more that Haseem.

Hey, it’s not the first time a team passed up legit players ( Memphis could have taken Brandon Jennings, Tyreke Evans, or Steph Curry) to take a really tall guy with potential, but man they fucking whiffed on this one.

Had a chance to see Thabeet at the VSL this year and honestly, it was sad. No offensive game. No self-confidence. Looks lost. Got pushed out of the paint routinely by guys that are playing in places like Haiti and Honduras as we speak. Poor guy.

In a draft that will be known for the bad choices made by several teams (OKC, Minnesota, NY), Memphis made the biggest blunder by a wide ass margin.

(WL) Greivis Vasquez. This guy was somewhat of a college star at Maryland, but that’s where I thought it would end. I wasn’t even certain that he’d get drafted AT ALL, and then Memphis took him in the first round. He only plays about 13 minutes a game, gets 3 points, 2 assists, and 1 rebound. The ultimate 3-2-1.

Vasquez certainly doesn’t have the athleticism to make an impact at the pro level, and he doesn’t have the head or the craftiness to make up for it. To me, he’s like the anti-Landry Fields. The good news is that he plays for the Grizz, so no one ever really sees him that much.

I predict a stint in Europe and then a stint at a car dealership somewhere in rural Maryland, where he’ll probably do okay because he obviously fooled an NBA franchise into using a first-round pick on him. Plus, he’s good at yelling.


THE MARK JACKSON AWARD FOR BRUTALLY UNUNNY, UNINSIGHTFUL COMMENTARY GOES TO…


(JH) Mark Jackson, of course. He’s the worst announcer for a major network since CBS used Bill Russell 30 years ago. Yes, even worse than Isiah and Magic on NBC.

That said, his role in Bill Simmons’ TV debut is not to be underestimated. I got a sick, perverted kind of pleasure watching him get totally upstaged. It was supremely awkward, yet beautiful at the same time.


I’m pretty sure he was in the Hotel shower, mumbling “hand down, man down!”, and “mama there goes that man” in the fetal position for several hours afterwards. 


(WL) So many choices. For every Chris Webber (a wise voice with smooth delivery and no stupid attitude/gimmick), there are about 10 horrible analysts. I swear to God, NBA TV will hire almost anybody, provided they played in the league. If I have to go with one, I guess I’ll pick Eric Snow.


Snow has the charisma of a brick wall. His vocal tone never changes. His facial expression never changes. He always looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. Never smiles, never laughs… JESUS CHRIST, IS IT THAT BAD, ERIC?!?! Not to mention, when he does give “analysis,” it’s along the lines of “… they need to do more on both sides of the ball…”, or “… they need more production…”, or “… I don’t know.” Somebody tell this dude that it could be worse for him and to just TRY and spice it up a bit.


Honorable mention to Dennis Scott for his redundant, unfunny comments, Jalen Rose for his ability to double as both a robot and a crackhead, and Reggie Miller for taking every situation and using it as a platform to talk about something he did. Oh, and Kenny Smith is on a level just below the man whom this award is named after, but I don’t have the energy for a six-paragraph rant (and you don’t want to read that, either).


THE COLONEL FROM BOOGIE NIGHTS MEMORIAL OUTSTANDING PRISON BITCH AWARD GOES TO…


(JH) Timofey Mozgov.

Oh, the humanity.


Heading into this fateful game against the clippers, Mozgov was averaging about 12 minutes and 3 points per game  in the first fourteen contests.

And then, Blake sucked the life out of
him like John Coffey in “The Green Mile”.

Since then, Mozgov has been knocked out of the rotation by Shawne Williams, averages three minutes a a game and has scored 24 points.

In two months.

Poor guy might not ever be the same.

I mean, do you think you would ever recover from  this??? pretty sure I’d move to Botswana or some shit.


(WL)  Danilo Galinari. Galinari was on the receiving end of the NBA equivalent of sodomization from halfcourt all the way to the rim, courtesy Mr. Griffin:



Not just one moment, but several seconds of varied humiliation. I give this award to Galinari because you’ll see scaled-down things like this happen to him on a nightly basis. He’s getting dunked on, scored on, crossed over, and/or caught out of position. One of the worst defenders in the league, but I’ll give him credit because his buffoonery doesn’t seem to dissuade him from trying.



THE DEAD COACH WALKING AWARD GOES TO…


(WL) Flip Saunders. It’s not even his fault, really. The team is young and loaded with goofs. Still, ZERO wins on the road and you play in the Eastern Conference. Plus, the disconnect between him and the team has been there since day one. I don’t think they respect him, and I don’t think he really respects them, honestly. The Wizards, man – ugh. Flip’s far from the worst coach out there, but if they don’t win a single game on the road, then he’s gone.



(JH) I’d say the coach of the Kings, if only I could remember who it was.


Ok, it’s paul Westphal. I googled it.


Poor fucker.



THE  JIM McILVAINE MEMORIAL ALL SALES ARE FINAL AWARD FOR CRUMMY FREE-AGENT SIGNING GOES TO…



(WL) Travis Outlaw


New Jersey signed his ass to a 5-YEAR, $35 MILLION DEAL, and we questioned (ON THIS VERY BLOG) the wisdom of that in the Nets season preview. He’s responded accordingly: 31 MPG, 9 points, 4 rebounds. Jersey had a series of signings that were poor, but this one takes the cake. You’re stuck with him, Nets fans!
For FIVE YEARS! Have fun trying to off-load that contract on some other team. Fortunately, they’ve got a billionaire at the helm, so maybe Outlaw will turn up as the victim of “some sort of accident” at some point. Which, by the way, I certainly don’t condone or wish for.

Still, anytime a deal can be referred to as “similar to Seattle’s signing of Jim Mcilvaine,” you know it’s fucked up.


(JH) Drew Gooden. 5 years, 32 meals for a dude who’s been traded 53 times in 9 years (figure is accurate, according to Wikipedia) and is best known for doing wacky shit like wearing the number 90, rockin’ a hari-krishna ‘fro ball on the back of his head and waging a year-long beard growing contest with DeShawn Stevenson.


Yeah, he’s a pretty decent rebounder with a nice-little jump shot, but I’m pretty sure that combo can be found for less than 32 million. 


Pair that with the off-season pick-up of Corey Maggette and a promising Bucks team has come down with a serious case of the  chemistry (and salary cap) termites.


I wonder if they make a one of those fumigation tents big enough to cover the Bradley Center?



THE KEVIN GARNETT MEMORIAL “YOU ARE A CANCER TO YOUR TEAM AN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE AWARD GOES TO…


(WL) Carmelo Anthony.

How about that one, eh? Look. All you have to do is just say what we all fucking know: “I’m not signing an extension with anybody other than the Knicks.” Fuck this guy and everybody who has covered the story, ad nauseum, since basically the beginning of the year. A couple of simple words, and all of this drama would end. Only a few teams would even bother to try and negotiate, and even fewer on a serious level.

Sad thing? Denver is actually decent. Carmelo is an all-star. I know it’s not really his fault, but I’m sick of this and I didn’t want to pick Andray Blatche.

(JH) Half the Wizards roster. Seriously, this team is severely fucked. It’s like GM Ernie Grunfield is trying to duplicate Isiah Thomas’ infamous CHEMISTRY MOLOTOV:



Yikes (shout out to Ralph Lawler).


Seriously, the quartet of Andray Blatche, Javale McGee, Nick Young and Al Thornton could give those guys a run for there money. It’s a non-stop orgy of ball-freezing, practice-skipping, hooker loving debauchery that Gilbert Arenas just has to miss so fucking much right now.


Poor John Wall. Kid never stood a chance.

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