MUCH TOO LATE (FOR BOWTIES)


Saw something this morning that completely caught my off-guard, in both good and bad ways.

Turned on the early morning Sportscenter (more to listen to than watch, ya dig?), when I heard the guy reading the Spurs/Celtics highlight say, “Bruce Bowen, you played for both of these teams….”

Excuse me.

WHO????

Are you telling me DIRTY BRUCE is being paid by the biggest sports network on earth to provide insight into Professional Basketball?

Word?

I know what you’re thinking (if you’re a sports fan, that is): “Dude, Bruce Bowen has been at ESPN for more a year.” Well, thanks to Google I know that now. Otherwise, what can I say, I try to avoid anything on ESPN that isn’t an actual sporting contest these days. Well, other than 30 for 30, that is.

Anyway, like I said, it was 8 am (pre-coffee time), and I was more than a little out of it, so I had to stop what I was doing, squint my eyes and see if Dirty Bruce was REALLY an analyst.

He was. Not only that, the guy was wearing a A BOWTIE AND GLASSES, looking like the NBA’s answer to  Brother Mouzone from “The Wire” or some shit.


I mean, what the fuck Bruce?

Forgive me, but I’m terribly confused here. Either the guy is going out of his way to look genteel and harmless, or Brother Bruce has joined the Nation Of Islam. Don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t trust that scoundrel to sell me a beanpie without getting shorted on my change, or at the very least spraining the fuck out my ankle when he tries to low bridge me out of pure habit. You know, like this.


Thing is, I spent some time thinking about it later in the day, and I realized that this news actually caused a unique reaction in me, one of both anger and Intrigue.

Honestly, I don’t care if the dude owns more bowties than Orville fucking Redenbacher, you ain’t gonna make me forget you were the grimiest, ankle-wreckingest, lowdown rapsacllion in the last 20 years of the NBA, maybe more. I’m not gonna forget brother, not by a long shot. Hell, you might as well dress like a damn priest for all the good it’ll do you.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a tremendous amount of respect for Bowen’s craft, (as  evidenced here) I’m just saying I’m not fooled by the goody two shoes BS.

As it turns out, the whole ordeal got me to thinking about what a tremendous wasted opportunity this is for both ESPN and ODB.

I mean, would you watch a segment where Bruce keeps it real while breaking down game tape? You bet your ass I would. Here’s how I see it in my dreams, or whatever:

Anchor: There’s Ray Allen, coming around the screen and setting his feet for the three. What do you see here?

Bowen: I see I have about 3 seconds to hurry up and run right under his body, so that when he lands on my foot, his ankle will crack in half like a potato chip.

Anchor: Hey Bruce, another impressive game by Blake Griffin. How would you have guarded such an impressive physical specimen?

Bowen: Well, If I can be real for a minute…

I would have  karate kicked the FUCK out of that guy.I ain’t letting you embarrass me on national TV, buddy. Now way, no how.

Anchor: And a speedster like John Wall? Surely you’d relish the chance to guard a guy that quick.

Bowen: well, let’s just say a fast player is one torn knee ligament as a result of being pulled to the ground by his jersey away from not being very fast anymore.

I mean, who wouldn’t watch that shit, right?

Alas, I’d never get this lucky, as Bruce sounded just as generic and cookie-cutter as every other ESPN analyst not named Chris Mullin. So sad, really. I mean, sure the idea is a little far out, but so was the idea of Charles Barkley ending up the voice of the NBA on TV. You have to have vision and GUTS, or nothing ever changes.

Fuck it, a guy can dream though, right?

send your NBA Live ’95 cheat codes to jonnyhath1@yahoo.com

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