HOW DO YOU SAY "JACKASS" IN FRENCH?



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Oh. What to say about Tony Parker?


Let’s start with the fact that I was never a fan. Don’t get me wrong – he’s obviously a proven talent on the court. Solid point guard throughout his career. Possesses a great runner in the lane. Championship rings on multiple fingers…


… but enough with the praise.


I generally don’t like meek basketball players. Parker fits that description perfectly. From the small stature (relatively speaking) to the school-boy grin to the French accent, he’s not exactly Vernon Maxwell out there. Is it irrational to not like a basketball player based on these characteristics? Of course, but you have to start somewhere.


To top it all off, Tony went out and married Eva.


I didn’t know who Eva Longoria was prior to the invasion of “Desperate Housewives.” Then, we started seeing commercials for the show every ten minutes. After that, she started showing up on the covers of all of the gossip magazines and those grocery store smut rags that you’ll find piles and piles of at any fraternity you may visit (i.e. Maxim). The point is, I was aware, but she was still pretty close to a nameless face to me.


That was before the unholy alliance.


Next thing you know, she’s in the crowd at every Spurs game. All well and good on the surface, right? Supporting her ”man?” But, pretty soon, we were cutting away from the game to see how Eva was doing. What was she wearing? What was her reaction to Tony’s free throws? What does Eva think of the zone defense the Spurs are employing? Eva’s thoughts on Red Auerbach’s regin? Does Eva’s expression have anything to do with the team’s clock management?


You get the point.


(As a side note, it was always something along the lines of “… and there you see the LOVELY Eva Longoria.” Yet, there’s something inherently annoying about her. Some say she looks like a mannequin or a mouse. Or a mouse mannequin. Look, I’m not saying I wouldn’t have a conversation with her if I had the chance, but I guess many of us think she’s overrated. Maybe someone loses their appeal when you see them every 15 seconds while you’re trying to watch a basketball game…)


So, when I heard that the marriage was through, a big part of me celebrated because I knew that this would at least spell the end of the “Longoria cut-away” during games where I’m forced into watching the Spurs. I immediately assumed she filed for the divorce because Tony chose to lock himself up with San Antonio instead of pursuing a bigger market (i.e. New York) in free agency. I guess I thought that, since Eva wore the pants in that relationship, she probably wanted to be in the spotlight a little more and was pissed that Tony chose San Antonio.


As it turns out, that wasn’t the case. Instead, the marriage came to an end because of infidelity.



I was so rocked by the revelation that a professional athlete had been unfaithful that I almost just walked away from the story right then and there. But there was one last piece of information. I guess Tony had been carrying on an affair, or sorts, with a teammate’s wife. I guess it was Brent Barry’s wife.


BRENT BARRY’S WIFE.


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(left to right: the French geek, the Mouse, the homewrecker, BRENT BARRY)


Tony Parker, you son of a bitch. Brent Barry is widely-acclaimed as one of the coolest guys in league history. I’ve heard numerous, first-person accounts of Barry chatting with fans before and after games, signing autographs whenever asked, and just generally coming off as a pro and a decent human-being. Additionally, he has the rare distinction of being a white guy associated with the NBA who isn’t a complete dork or undeniably hateable/annoying (they only come along every so often).


Combine that final act with the rest of the things I mentioned about Parker, and you’ve got plenty of reason to hate on that geek.


Only one question remains, though: which NBA player will Eva move onto next? With that, I present to you:


THE HETEROSEXUAL MAN’S GUIDE TO SUITABLE NBA MALES.


1. The Youth Choice: John Wall


Eva is 35 and not getting any younger. The best way to stay in the spotlight is to go Demi Moore and find a fella about half your age. Wall is perfect. He’s fresh on the scene, he’s an electrifying player who looks to be a superstar for years to come, and he has his own dance. The only con is that he plays for the Wizards, but that’s temporary, as far I’m concerned.


2. Take Your Talents to South Beach: Dwayne Wade


All eyes are on Miami. D-Wade is fresh off a divorce of his own. What better way to get yourself noticed? She could always choose Lebron, too, but I feel like he’d leave her when times got tough…


3. The “What The Hell?” Approach: Yao Ming


Picture the 5-foot-nothing Longoria strolling into some awards show on the arm of the gigantic Yao. In addition to this being a freak show attraction of sorts, she’d also be perceived as a kind person who consoled Ming during his difficult battles with chronic injuries. This would also improve her status in other parts of the world.


– The Bonus, “Classic” Choice: Kendall Gill


Gill was smooth. An endearing smile, great and athletic build, and a sensitive guy’s charm. He now moonlights as an analyst and even started a career as a professional boxer. Plus, she would undoubtedly be the better-known of the two. Finally, he dunked on Mutombo several times, and that’s the type of man I would want in my life. If I were a woman.


Of course, she could pull the ultimate comeback and move in with Barry, but we all know that’s not happening.


Choose wisely this time, Eva. And stay away from Calvin Murphy.


Wes Lilliman can be reached at Weslilliman@aol.com


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