COACH: VINNY DEL NEGRO
I’ve come to dread doing this.
Seriously, every year I pull for the Clippers like you root for the awkward kid in the High School movie to finally get laid, or the wimp to beat up the bully. Always works in the movies.
With the Clips, it never does.
Well, I guess 2006 might qualify. I mean, they did come within one Tim Thomas 3 of making the Western Conference Finals with a loaded team that looked really tough when Sam Cassell was there and utterly toothless when he left.
Alas, the Clips are back in that ever-so-familiar position of being young, talented, and seemingly poised for greatness.
Seriously though, if you thinking I’m falling for this shit again…
Yeah, I’m aware of what everyone is saying. I’m familiar with the impressive talent they’ve assembled (lucked into is more like it), and sure, I could do what I’ve done for years and get all “if Baron comes in motivated (i.e. not fat) and Griffin is ready to dominate and Kaman just ignores the voices in his head and plays ball and they run enough stuff for Gordon he’ll show his dominating offensive potential and this team will be badass!”.
Fuck that, dude.
Seriously, I don’t need to be left at the altar or let down by this team any more, so let’s just stick to the facts. Sure, they’ve got some players, and they hired Vinny Del Negro (never should have been fired by Chicago), who by all accounts is a guy players respond to, but let’s be real here, something(s) will go wrong. Always does.
It’s not like you have an active imagination to envision this team going to shit.
Take your pick.
Griffin could break his left Kneecap again. Or his right one. Do you know how many bones, joints and tendons there are in the human body? Trust me, something on this kids’ body will, tear, break or pull before the season is up. It just will.
Well, Del Negro reportedly got punched by his last boss in Chicago. Who among you would be surprised if Donald Sterling did something similar, or worse?
Other than that, Chris Kaman gets hurt every year, Baron hasn’t meant a thing since the 2006 Playoffs, and the rest of the team is a collection of solid, unspectacular players who won’t mean much to the bottom line individually but could be effective if De Negro gets them all on the same page.
Seriously though, who gives a damn? We all know they’ll win 32 games and end up trading one of their best pla
yers for 30 cents on the dollar. We’ve been trained to believe nothing better can happen here.
IF THEY GET LUCKY: They won’t. Seriously.
OK fine, I’ll play along.
If they do, everyone looks super awesome and nobody’s arm falls off like the dude in Airplane 2 and Baron averages a double double and Griffin is a holy terror down low and they Win 50+ and almost knock off the Lakers in the Playoffs and establish themselves as a serious contender in the West.
Really, this all could happen with a few breaks. It won’t though.
IF THEY DON’T: Oh god, I don’t have enough time to cover all the things that could go wrong here, so let’s just stick to the basics: Injuries, player mutiny, smallpox epidemic, players leaving the team to get sex changes, Team plane gets lost in the Bermuda Triangle.
You know, the usual.
REALITY: Like I said, 32 wins, a bunch of hand-wringing over why they aren’t better, and AT LEAST two angry Donald Sterling speeches about how he’s not gonna stand for this kind of losing anymore. Expect for next year, and the next, blah blah blah.
MORE CLIPPER MADNESS, AKA RALPH LAWLER IS A TREASURE AND DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING TO DO PLAY-BY-PLAY FOR THIS CRAPPY TEAM EVERY YEAR:
Seriously. Anyone who has watched Clipper games on at least a fairly regular basis can tell you that lawler is great at his job. Funny, knowledgable, smooth, you name it.
Once upon a time, he formed a team with BILL FUCKING WALTON, and together they made the greatest announcing music that’s ever been heard, having conversations about what Sam Perkins wore on his head when he played for Indiana (Bill says do rag, Ralph said Bandana) or the nightly ritual of Walton telling Lawler to calm himself down after Ralph implored the fans to “fasten their seat belts”. I mean, you cannot fathom how entertaining these guys could be during one-sided games unless you saw them.
Sadly, you’ll have to take my word for it since there are ZERO CLIPS ON YOUTUBE!!!
Honestly, kind of sums up the Clippers in a nutshell.